The HSG Test (aka the "open tube test")

I just got my HSG test! And no, HSG is not a hormone. But HSG sounds a lot less invasive and uncomfortable than its real name, Hystero-Salpingo-Gram.

Hystero = uterus. Salpingo = tube. Gram = another magic wand invading my privacy.

So, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure, I will fill you in on all the deets. I had to schedule the test between days 6-10 of my cycle. And I had to not pee before I got there. I think that thinking about not peeing makes me need to pee even more.

My wonderful husband got off of work so he could be with me.  How sweet.  The first thing they did when we got there was walk my husband to a little time-out area and said he couldn't follow us.  So much for that.

So I change into an awkward gown for the procedure, and a nurse with a russian/german accent walks me to the procedure room.  On the way to the room, she asks me about why I'm on metformin. I say it's for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). She nods her head, then squints her eyes, and says, "You don't look like a PCOS patient."

There I am greeted by an asian guy in his mid 30's who just finished his residency. By his awkward demeanor, I assume that he specialized in imaging, not ObGyn.  The first thing he says after he looks at my chart is, "For someone with PCOS, your face doesn't look very hairy." I say nope. He nods, then squints his eyes, and says, "Did you ever used to have facial hair?" Nope. Apparently the testosterone kick from the little cysts is supposed to make your face hairy... But the dozen other girls I know with PCOS don't have hairy faces either. Awkward.

Well, apparently there were a number of swabs and things that they had to do before they actually got to the main feature.  Before every single thing they did, the asian doctor would say, "Ok, I'm gonna ...blah blah... on three, two, one," and then he would do it.  What is he thinking? That I will be more relaxed with a T-minus countdown?  Apparently there's three things in life you count down for: rockets taking off, bombs exploding, and poking me in the privates.

So finally he gets around to the actual test. One of the tubes squirts a dye into my uterus until it's so full that the dye leaks out into my tubes.  After that they take a picture.  If my tubes are all glowing and full, they are good and open. If they don't glow at all, then they're pinched off.  Lucky for me, they're big and open!!! I was happy for about five seconds, and then I realized that I'm still not pregnant.

So they let me change back into my clothes, and said to be careful because their weird dye might slowly leak into my pants over the next few days (thanks, Doc). Then they brought me to my husband who was faithfully waiting in the time-out area.  As we walked to the car, he told me that while I was gone he had gotten a new high score on an i-phone game. And that he loved me. And made me laugh by telling me to imagine the doctor with a magic wand the size of a q-tip to poke into his private and do a mini-scan. Which made me wonder, why does all this awful stuff happen just to girls?

I wish I was just pregnant.  Our infertility specialist said that doing the HSG test during a cycle increases your odds by about 5%.  Here's to hoping.

Also, my husband and I decided that if we don't get pregnant this cycle, we're going to a water park as a vacation/treat.  If we do get pregnant, we're burning my bulk box of tampons in a celebration bonfire.

Sister K